Pirates of the Caribbean: A touch of Jack
by Davey Jones' Girl
Summary: Random pirate story with crossovers from a bunch of Johnny Depp characters. They all team up to battle Davey Jones. Crazy fun. Twopart oneshot, which sounds like an oxymoron...probably not any good, but whatever.
1. Part 1

**A/N: Heheh…this is a random story that IS for Pirates of the Caribbean, but contains multiple characters from other shows and/or movies…all coincidentally are played by Johnny Depp (we all love the man, don't we? Seriously! Who couldn't?). I am determined to keep this a one-shot, but it may be a long one-shot, as it were.**

**Disclaimer: I own…the idea of multiple characters ending up the way they do, but I don't own the characters themselves. Honestly though, if I owned Captain Jack Sparrow…:D**

**Oh, and by the way, if you like Lord Cutler Beckett, don't read any of my stories. Ever. He dies. Always. Humiliating, painful, bloody, agonizing death. You are warned. Unless you skipped over this paragraph, then you aren't.**

Davey Jones looked down at the mangled, decapitated body sprawled out on the deck below him as he allowed the Bo 'sun to wipe the blood off his crab claw.

"It's a fool of a man to think he can take my heart from me." Yes, Beckett was a fool indeed. Not long after receiving the heart from Norrington, who he re-instated as a Commodore, Beckett took to the seas in an attempt to take control of Davey Jones. Jones tracked him down, and after an unusually short battle with the Navy, Jones cornered Beckett, the last survivor of his crew. What was left of the man was about to be swept then scrubbed off the decks.

But he had his heart back, and he retuned it to it's proper place in the closed chest on his ship. Yes, Beckett was a fool to have tried to tame the sea. But he had died a bloody, humiliating, hopefully painful death.

---

Captain Jack Sparrow gave a huge sigh of relief. The land on the horizon he'd been watching wasn't a mirage- this time. It was land. It was an island, specifically. An island that looked an awful lot like a giant sea-turtle. So here he was, Captain Jack Sparrow, to be rescued by a sea-turtle. Again.

He sighed again as he thought about that damned Kraken. It ate his ship. Never mind that it tried to eat him, _it ate his SHIP!_ It had tried to eat him, though. Apparently the Kraken didn't know it was trying to eat Captain Jack Sparrow. Stupid animal. However, he'd taken care of that thing. Free lifetime supply of calamari, if you will. It made for a good sea-voyage. Which of course was what he was on.

After that thing ate most of his ship, he managed to hack it up and get a good piece of driftwood out. It was a part of his deck. Conveniently enough, the wheel was still intact. It didn't turn the ship worth a piece of eight, but he did feel kind of cool standing on deck with his hands on the wheel. And a huge chunk of Kraken on the 'deck'. It tasted like squid, really.

But now he sailed- well, he floated- towards the island. He hummed a little song to himself, happy as could be.

"Duh nuh-nuh-nuh na-na-na duh-nuh-nuh-na…and really bad eggs… drink up me hearties, yo ho! Now, bring me to Tortuga."

---

Tortuga itself was an island of many wonders. Besides beautiful Caribbean beaches and wonderful yet dangerous jungle scenery, it had quite the town, one of the same name as the island itself. There were locals in the town who lived there all the time. There were part-timers who lived there when hey weren't on the seas. There were men who came to trade goods on the black market. Then there were some people who just did not belong on Tortuga.

In a clearing just on the edge of town, a man stood, looking about. He had no idea how he had gotten to this strange place, but he was here. He looked around, searching for his horse. It wasn't there.

"They send me out to investigate decapitations, and this is what I get," he grumbled, looking around the clearing. A noise in the jungle on the opposite side of the clearing suddenly caught his attention. He experienced momentary relief when he saw it was a man dressed in black. He came out of the shadows, hacking away at the vines that dropped around his head. But the man's relied turned to horror when he realized the man walking out of the jungle had no hands- he was hacking the jungle apart with _scissors._

"You there! D-don't come any c-c-c-closer!" he stuttered in fear of the man, who merely looked up at him, carefully snipping a vine the hung in front of his face. They both turned around when another man walked out of the hole in the jungle created by the scissor man, talking perkily to the man about his unusual hands.

"And those must be really good for cutting things up! You can even go through the jungle. Gee, I wish I would have met you before, you could have helped me get through Loompah Land! Yeah! Have you ever thought about working in a chocolate factory?"

"No," the scissor man said quietly. Despite his ferocious appearance, he was obviously very shy.

"Well hello there!" The perky man said as he noticed another human in the clearing. "What's your name?"

"Ichabod," the man said. "Ichabod Crane."

"Well! I'm Willy Wonka, and this is…"

"Edward Scissorhands." the man with the scissors looked as if her were about to offer his hand, then realized you couldn't very well shake scissors. Ichabod noticed immediately how unusually pale both men were. Edward was also covered in unusual scars. Ichabod suddenly noticed he had the odd sensation that he was being watched- by something other than the two men standing in front of him.

"Stay away! I won't marry…you…" Another man had run into the clearing. He was pale as well, and looked oddly like he wasn't human. He looked to be made of some semi-solid, as if you could poke him and dent his face.

"Why aren't you marrying…" Willy Wonka looked into the clearing behind the man, looking for whatever it was that the new guy wasn't marrying.

"This corpse, this awful corpse…this dead woman was chasing me…"

"Someone's been drinking too much rum," Ichabod whispered.

"Well, who are you?" Wonka asked.

"Victor Van Dort."

There was a re-introduction of names and the men went into town, bewildered by the sight of the pirating haven.

They all ended up in the Faithful Bride Tavern, in a back booth attempting, and failing miserably, at avoiding attention from the locals. They all looked up, however, when four men walked over to their table. They, too, were dressed differently than the rest. The locals were now very concerned at the group of weird men. The four men were different from each other as well.

One was tall and tanned with wind-blown hair, as if he had traveled places that others would only dream of. He introduced himself as Roux, and they found he was a French gypsy. The second man was dressed in an older outfit, and he seemed fascinated by the whole pirate town. He introduced himself as Jim Barrie, a writer.

The third man was dressed differently from the rest, and he looked mildly paranoid, as if some one was following him. He mumbled, "As long as Shooter doesn't show up here, too, it's a fine town to be in." He was introduced as Mort Rainey. The last man was dressed almost like Mort, but Ichabod could tell that he, too, was an officer of law. He looked to be only 16 or so, but he claimed to be a police officer of 21. "We ain't in Jump Street anymore," he said, looking round the tavern as he slid into the seat.

There were now eight men in the booth, each telling their stories. One thing was decidedly unanimous- they had all ended up on this island with no recollection of how they'd gotten there. They did not notice the increasingly violent stares from the locals.

They all jumped, however, when another man walked in, soaked to the bone marrow. He glanced around at the people in the bar before he spotted the table where the eight men sat. He waltzed over to them, hearing a sigh of relief from one of the men.

"Oh good, them loons are friends of Jack's."

Jack smiled as he walked over to the table. True there were no friends of his, but they would suit him just fine. He eyed the man with the scissors. Just fine.However Jack was no simpleton by any means and could see that the men were weary of him. No worries, he was Captain Jack Sparrow. Ship or not, he was Captain Jack Sparrow.

"What do you want?" One of the men asked. He was dressed in a way that worried Jack a little bit. But then again, he was used to strange people.

However Jack was no simpleton by any means and could see that the men were weary of him. No worries, he was Captain Jack Sparrow. Ship or not, he was "What do you want?" One of the men asked. He was dressed in a way that worried Jack a little bit. But then again, he was used to strange people. 

"You don't know who I am now, do you son?"

"Can't say I know anybody around here. Except for these gentlemen." he motioned to the other seven. He was obviously an authorities figure. Jack studies the group.

Two authorities at least. Ah, well. They weren't with the Navy, that's what mattered. There were two that were odd if nothing else. One looked like a loon, what was the word…_Schizophrenic? _Jack wondered. Either way, he was not right in the head. The other three were pale and very unusual. Including the man with the scissors. He was _very_ weird indeed. However, they would work to his advantage.

"And perhaps you need some one to show you around these parts," Jack said slyly. "A good influence as it were…none of you are eunuchs, are you?" he looked around suspiciously. After being assured that none of them were eunuchs, he smiled.

"Any of you ever been on the account?"

**A/N: Okay so I lied. It'll be a two-part One-shot. That sounds weird…so…yeah. It's really random.**


	2. Part 2

**A/N: Here's the second half of my two-part one-shot.**

"I can't believe you talked me into going on a _pirate ship_," Hanson muttered to Ichabod.

"We're men of the law. It's our duty, in our place or not, to help the man."

"Who, Jack? He seems real shady to me."

"I hardly comprehend your use of the term shady but yes, he does seem a bit…odd."

"Not as odd as some of those other guys though. That man with the scissors…"

"He's incredibly nice though." Ichabod felt compelled to stand up for him.

"Yeah but still. You have to admit the scissors are weird."

"Yes, they are…unusual."

"But that Jack Sparrow…"

"Captain," Ichabod said smiling. "He prefers to go by his title of Captain."

"Whatever you call him, we're still a bunch of people who have nothing in common, and we're all here on this pirate ship going after a fish-man."

"Actually, I believe he was half octopus." The two jumped at the sound of Edward's voice. He walked in jerky movements, as if he did not know how to use his body.

"Ah, Edward," Ichabod said, attempting to be friendly. "We were just discussing the unusual circumstances of our adventure."

"Yes, it is a bit odd."

"Where is it we're gonna find this Davey Jones?" Hanson asked.

"That remains yet to be known," Jack said, standing silently behind the trio. "But you're shirking your duties as sailors and without a functioning ship, we will not find him soon."

"Suppose that mean's we gotta get back to work."

"Yes, Tom, it does." Jack went back to his place at the wheel, steering the new ship in some vague general direction.

"What is it you need me to do?" Edward asked.

"You…" Jack eyed his scissors, wondering what Edward could do that would be more helpful than harmful to the ship or nine man crew. "You can go below and help cut up a new sail, we need to replace the topsail anyways." Edward nodded and went below decks, happy that he could do something that would actually help.

Meanwhile Jack steered and the men set about letting loose all the canvas and swabbing the decks. Jack seemed extra happy when he demanded the sails be brought in a bit later and they coast for a while. However only Roux had the sailor savvy enough to understand how to get the sails up, and so he gave the orders as Jack hummed, looking at his compass.

Jack seemed happy when they stumbled across a ship wrecked on a reef.

"Are we not going to help them?" Barrie asked Jack.

"No. Not unless you feel like going on a man-hunt all over the Caribbean trying to find the slimy git again."

Seeing as none of his crew wanted to go all over the Caribbean, they agreed to wait for Davey Jones to come to them. As they waited, Jack went over the plan, passing out weapons.

"Davey Jones and crew will come up in their fancy little ship. We need to stay clear of their cannons but still get on board. We kill his crew, and while you distract him, I sneak below decks and take his heart. I kill him, and we're all free."

"Why don't I get anything?" Edward asked.

"Because you're a bloody army knife already," Jack sad, eyeing the scissors yet again. Edward looked sad that he was being used as a weapon, but his anger he knew he could turn on the fish-people very easily.

And so they stood ready for combat, with pistols and swords and axes and Hanson's handgun. All except Edward, who was armed to the wrist with his own scissors. And they waited and some of them were shocked and some even jumped when the Flying Dutchman came up out of the sea, water spilling off of it like rain.

And it pulled up to the sinking ship and the men were taken aboard and Jack ordered the longboats to be taken to the Dutchman. They rowed as quietly as possible, making sure they were not heard until they reached the legendary ship. They climbed aboard silently, except for the sound of Edward continually having to pull his scissors from between planks of the massive hull.

And it surprised Davey Jones to find his ship under siege just as he cast the last unwilling man overboard. Within seconds it was pandemonium as the two crews broke into battle. Jack's crew was wildly outnumbered, and yet they fought fiercely. Edward was slicing left and right, cutting down more of Davey Jones' crew than the rest of his crew combined.

And Jack, the infamous Captain Jack Sparrow, managed to sneak below decks and find the cursed heart. He took it from it's chest and walked back up on decks, pulling the knife he had snuck from Will as he went.

He burst out on decks among the chaos and mayhem of the battle. Edward had covered Hanson, who was fighting off Jones himself along with Roux and Mort, who was swinging like a madman and yelling about soembody named Shooter.

"Hey, fish-face!" Jack yelled. All eyes turned to him and the fighting ceased, men stood half-impaled where they were. And they saw what Jack meant to do. Davey Jones saw what Jack meant to do. He stood with the heart in his hand, his fist raised with the knife's blade pointed down. However none of them had the time to reach Jack before he could do what he was going to do.

Jack thought of a lot of things. He thought of Beckett, and his ship, and Will and Elizabeth. He thought of his new crew, and his old crews. He thought of this man, the one who had taken everything from so many people, and how it was to his hand, tentacles, and claw that he, Captain Jack Sparrow, had hit rock bottom. And it was by his hand that this fish-man would die. Jack plunged the knife into the heart.

And as Davey Jones fell to his knees, as the ship shuddered and began to sink, as the last of his crew went back to the longboats, as the heart's blood gushed like a fountain onto the decks, Captain Jack Sparrow stood over them all, victorious once more.

A/N: Told y'all it was gonna be random.


End file.
